Thursday, February 27, 2014
I have been made to feel lately that I am not allowed to share my thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. It brings others down. Instead I should find time, money and transportation to see a therapist. So I have been bottling things instead. Can't share..it brings people down. Don't want to do that. Or it makes people want to fix you. I don't need to be fixed. I just need that friend that I can share with. No guilt, no being told I should not feel that way or that my feelings are wrong. Just someone to share, then get that nod of encouragement, maybe a hug in real life or virtual, some tears and laughter and then you just feel better. Apparently that isn't how it's done anymore.. However, I seem to be on the listening end alot. For many years actually, even if I didn't agree with what a friend may have been feeling or was doing. I tried to be the friend that listens, encourages and just be there for them. I can think of countless days helping a friend through bad spots. Not fixing them, not giving advice but just being that listening ear.
Since trying to bottle things in, I realize something. I want to eat. I don't care if it is gluten or dairy. I also spend alot of time in denial but the eating is the bad part. I just want to hide away, not talk to anyone..why? I'm just going to be a burden anyways. Better off just keeping to myself. Let's go back to those school years with my nose in the textbooks.
This wasn't meant to be a pity post at all. Just felt the need to vent I guess. I have friends but they are busy. There is one friend that I can always count on though. When I call her, she always says, "Tell me, how are you doing?" When she says it.. she means it. She wants it all. She always understands and encourages, she even knows me so well that she knows when I am not being completely honest. However, she lives pretty far away. I talk to her maybe once every 2-3 months. When we do talk, it's for hours.. literally hours of both of us sharing. When I get off the phone with her, I always feel completely refreshed. I miss her.
As for the feelings I am bottling up. I can't share them here at home. It would terrify a certain person. My daughter has to go in for ear surgery and she is terrified enough. They have to cut into her head right behind her ear. They will be removing a growth and then checking to see if they need to do bone reconstruction. It will be a long surgery and she will need to stay over night. She may need to go back in 6 months. The worse part is.. it may not be a permanent fix. The same problem could arise in the future and her other ear may have the same issue. What happening is the canal behind her ear drum is smaller than it should be. It's creating a suction. The ear drum is literally being sucked into that canal. My friend's son had the same surgery for a different reason. He actually had it about 3 times and each time suffered a more severe hearing loss.
I do realize that it's not the same as what Anna is going through. However that doesn't mean the fear isn't there in the back of my mind. The what if's. Oh I can push them aside and function normally. I am not depressed to the point of not being able to focus on other things. I have been joking with Anna all day and laughing. Angel and I have our usual banters. Life seems all fine and dandy, except what's bottled up inside.
Oh, and that isn't all of it. If you remember my husband was having a surgery that the doctors were confident would be a huge success. He would be out of the hospital in a week. Well, that was not the case and after being told he was not leaving the operating room alive, or that his body was not going to survive a week without a liver, then spending 3 months in the hospital, thankfully the ending is amazing and miraculous! I am so thankful that God has brought us through that. I know that God is in control and we are to lean on Him.. but we don't know what the outcome will be. I know a family that leaned on God through their father/husband's entire transplant and now that are leaning on Him after his passing. I don't know what God's plan is for Anna. I pray it is for this surgery to be a complete success, but just because I pray it doesn't mean that is what God's will is.
Of course, I will pray the Lord will keep Anna safe and secure through this. That He will help us all through our insecurities. That we will have a peace that only He can give. I know the above is the extreme. Yes, my thoughts may go there at times.. not often, don't worry about that. Just little glimpse here and there. I am sure we all have fears at certain times in my life. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. I hope not! I am also not paralyzed by these fears where I can't focus. I still made meals (well not dinner but dance kinda took over), folded and hung laundry, paid bills, helped Anna with Math, you know.. the usual life things.
As for Anna's surgery, I will keep praying that God gives us peace through this time, especially Anna. She is pretending it isn't happening for a long time. She has a pre-surgery appointment with her doc tomorrow and that is what kinda brought this fear to the surface today. She briefly expressed it and then shoved it back in mind. I will pray for the doctor's hand as he has to perform this delicate surgery. Oh, he explained what he had to do and it is very delicate. He even had to explain to Anna that he has to do his best to not hit her facial nerves. He told her how he would do that made and sure she knew that he has never messed up yet. She literally pretended to ignore every word he said at this point and just nodded. After a quick chat with her she corrected me on it and I knew she did indeed pay attention.
So I end this long post/rant on a positive note, because sharing in any form helps me. I know that I should definitely blog more and even though I probably lost all my readers a long time ago, I can still feel better because I got my thoughts out of the back of my mind. I have released them somehow instead of keeping them bottled up. If you have been reading.. I thank you for being my listening ear ( err... eyes).
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
I could use some help. I have been so busy with moving irl that my blog has suffered quite a bit. I want to move my Xanga to a better place. I started blogging there in 2002. I did move it over to the word press free site so it won't disappear completely, however the pics are all still connected to Xanga. My first goal was to just import everything to Blogger where I try to blog now.. however that is not working. So I attempted to do it manually but I can't move over the comments.
My Xanga Premium is almost up and I no longer have the option to just renew for 15.00 since they have changed. I am all confused and I know it is my fault for waiting til the last minute. Any suggestions / recommendations would be very helpful.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I had jumbo shrimp last night for dinner.. I am still not used to eating shrimp.
I had a dream.
We were in some party/restaurant with what appeared to be the dancers and maybe their family. The meal was huge seafood platters.. shrimps that were looking kinda like lobsters and huge in size..
I was actually breaking the shells off some of these things and eating them.. having fun.. then I realized some were still alive so I left those on the plate.. I noticed one had disappeared.
Next thing I know it is coming around me like a pet that wants attention.. and I am a bit freaked out. It has claws and it is trying to grab hold of my pants.. I tell someone and they get it locked into the bathroom.. they said it was in the tub and all was okay.
I open the bathroom door and it summersaulted out of the tub toward me.. I closed the door quickly.
I went up to a dancer and asked if she knew much about shrimps.. someone had to get it out of the bathroom.. she didn't like shrimps.. so I said avoid that bathroom.
I saw some guy talking about it.. so I walked over and for some stupid reason thought I could open the bathroom door quickly to show him.. when I did the shrimp summersaulted out of the bathroom toward me.. and tried grabbing my leg..
Somehow I did an amazing feat.. while standing I managed to get both legs off the ground.. I was hovering there. However, the shrimp had gotten bigger and was able to reach my legs and started attaching himself to my pants!
I woke up at that exact moment.. staggered to the bathroom then went to find angel because I was terrified if I went back to sleep the dream would continue. Usually bad dreams like that do continue for me after I wake.
I told him the dream for a few minutes then went back to bed and into another dream.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
My daughter is turning 12 next month. I am not thrilled at all. Every time I look at her.. I want to cry! I can see her maturing. It’s in her face, her expressions, her manners. She is going through a huge growth spurt. She is getting taller every time I turn around.
Another birthday means another party. Many of you know how big I am with parties. We do a theme party every year. Well, this year she wanted to invite all the girls in her jr. dance group.. umm.. that is like 11 girls and then we have the nieces and a few friends. There is no way that many girls will fit into our home… never mind that she was also begging for a sleepover! She’s crazy!
So we went through a list of options..
- Pool party at a hotel
- Skating party
- Mall treasure hunt
Pottery and Jewelry were ruled out pretty quickly due to the fact that the kids would not be able to expel energy. I really loved the painting pottery idea but I think we will reserve it for a trip with the nieces instead.
Anna ruled out bowling rather quickly. She doesn’t bowl very well, in her opinion, and therefore it isn’t fun. This was a heart break for both Angel and I because we love bowling.
Skating Party sounded great. Teens love music. However, Anna had never been to a skating rink. She has been ice skating with her friend Bri a few times. For some reason, being on wheels freaked her out more than being on skates.
We decided to take her and the nieces to the rink. We wanted to see if she would like it. Jade and Kate had a blast! Anna did not. She attempted to go out on the floor with the girls holding hands.. but the tears started flowing.
So she hung around the bar section and just practiced going back and forth while holding on. She insisted that she was not having a party here at all.
The mall was one of my favorite options. Jade thought it was a great idea also. However, I don’t feel comfortable sending the girls out in groups, and I don’t know of any adults that would like to chaperone them. This is one idea we will be saving for another year.
Another good option was the Pool Party at a hotel. I thought it would be great to just let them swim and have some pizza delivered to the room. Maybe some slumber party games and then a movie to calm everyone down. However, I was not sure I wanted to be responsible for that many girls!
So here we are back at square one.
I was talking to a friend about my dilemma. She mentioned that her daughter loves Chuck E Cheese. My first reaction is no way.. these kids are way too old for that. Apparently they are not. Her niece also loves Chuck E Cheese and wanted to go for her birthday. So I started thinking on the idea. I know my nieces also love Chuck E Cheese but they usually play with Ethan in the tunnels. I came home and brought up the idea to Anna. I texted Jade and they all think it is a great idea. Anna wants the entire thing.. the dancing bears, inflatable crown, everything. Another benefit is they have gluten free pizzas. We have two dancers who are gluten free.
So it looks like we are having a
“Last Chance to be a Kid, Chuck E Cheese Party!”
I am all for not having to my home before and after.
Do you have big parties for your kids? Or is it more geared to family?
Friday, March 15, 2013
1. What is one thing you wish you did not have to teach your children?
Probably the one thing I wish I did not have to teach them is how to deal with hurt feelings. Especially when it comes from friends and those that they trust. I don’t think it ever gets easier.
2. What are you going to use since Google Reader is going away?
I had no idea it was going away! What are the options now? Sadly I have not been keeping up with many blogs unless they come to my inbox.
3. British comedy; Hilarious or strange?
We love British Comedy! Catherine Tate is one of our favorites.
4. Do you prefer card games or board games?
I love board games but I will admit that I tend to keep cards around. There are so many things you can play with just a deck of cards.
5. Will winter ever end?
I really hope so. This is getting really depressing. I need sunshine and warmth to survive!!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
- I don’t feel like blogging
- so a bullet blog will have to do
- I am tired of living gluten and dairy free
- tired of having to check the ingredients of every single thing
- I mean, every single thing….
- Tired of not being able to eat at others homes
- tired of trying to come up with different things to take on the road
- tired of having to analyze every single food on menus
- so I messed up
- I had pizza about two weeks ago..
- no biggie
- no reaction
- all was good
- then I had Ole English Fish and Chips
- Oh it was soo good
- It’s been years!!
- Like 12 years since I had their fish.
- It was awesome
- no reaction
- That was a week ago
- So Sunday we go out for breakfast after picking up Anna from a friend’s home.
- She had slept over night
- We didn’t eat breakfast and neither did she
- So we went to a restaurant
- Not thinking.. I ordered an omelet with sausages
- home fries, no toast.
- Should be fine
- but I forgot that there is cheese in omelets
- It’s been a year and a half since I had cheese omelets
- so once it comes to me and I realize it.. what are my choices?
- ask them to replace my eggs?
- but that doesn’t seem fair.. it was my mistake..
- Don’t eat it?
- Well, that’s a waste and I am hungry
- so I eat it
- and stare longingly at Anna's toast
- with butter.. sigh
- I love toast
- So almost instantly I reacted..
- Sunday night sniffles
- now a full blown sinus issue
- and a headache
- and it’s all my fault..
Friday, March 1, 2013
I have been slacking on my blog for way too long. I just keep getting caught up in life. I really want to try to keep writing again. When I look back at all the postings of Anna when she was little, it brings back so many memories. I love showing the blog posts to her. I love reliving those times when I read them over again. That is my purpose for blogging. Not to gain a huge audience and tons of comments.. but to jot down all those moments and thoughts that get put down here. To look back at what may have been important in our lives or how we have changed and grown. I really want to strive to keep it going.
There is no better way than to start with a Five Question Friday.
Questions for Friday, March 1st:
1. What was the most productive thing you have done this week?
Hmm. Honestly, we slacked off a bunch this week. Hubby took two days off work. Tuesday we drove to RI and spent the day with my parents, which was really nice. Now I am trying to be productive and clean up the house, but it is awful. The nieces visited last week for their vacation and it shows.
2. Enjoying the winter or ready for spring?
Totally ready for spring. I am not a winter girl at all. I actually can’t wait for summer! Spring and Fall usually bring grief for me with allergies and rain but it’s so much better compared to winter.
3. Are you an introvert or extrovert? Is your spouse the same as you?
I tried to look up the difference in the two. In a group or an unfamiliar scene.. I am quiet. You won’t hear much from me. I just sit back and observe. Being hard of hearing, I also tend to pray no one will talk to me at times. Among friends and family, I can be the same depending. I find if I can hear everyone, I am okay with maybe 2-3 people. If we are in an area with background noise.. I get quiet. One on one, you won’t get me to shut up at all. I can be very vocal.. I love to talk and share my opinions on things. However, put me with a bunch of kids and I love it.
As for hubby, he appears to be about the same. He can talk and even get loud among friends and family. He tends to be quiet at other times.
4. Would you rather go without music or television for 1 year?
Actual TV, I can go without. If you mean including watching movies and shows on the internet.. nooo.. and I can’t go without music. It lifts me up when I need it. The actual television I can care less.
5. Have you ever been truly scared of someone?
Yes, I have. I can not handle watching someone who is drunk. It really freaks me out. I feel like they are going to lose control and someone will get hurt. It terrifies me.