Thursday, January 28, 2010

Raging storms..

That has been my emotions lately.. which produces a very crabby, impatient and miserable me.  Seriously.. I have been just the worse lately.  After completely being my worse with Angel.. He finally exploded.. not like a volcano type explosion however,  but more like a sparkler.. He said one sentence during that time that hurt.. Like seriously hurt.. Most wouldn't even think it was that bad.  He said "Why should I drop everything when no one does it for me." In my mind that translated to.. "No one does anything for me" 

All night those words were in my head.. I cried myself to sleep.  Yes, I am majorly sensitive.  He even apologized soon after saying it.  But it didn't matter because it wasn't him that I was upset with.. He was me.  Those words just haunted me.  I was a failure as his wife. 

I woke up with the worse eyes ever.  How was I going to hide this.  I couldn't even look at him.. cause I would start crying.  It was awful.

By about 10am he finally cornered me and didn't let me go.  He had asked many times, but I just kept saying, I'll be fine, and walking away.  This time he insisted and I cried..

After a long talk I finally told him I wasn't upset with him but I missed him.  It seemed so silly to say that.  He is here every day.. He pointed out that I get up early, spend my entire day devoted to Anna and school and then my afternoons devoted to watching Ethan.  Then he leaves and I go to bed.  Yep, that about sums it up.  We talked about some things that we can do to change that.  I miss spending time with him. 

He also shared that he has been so stressed with work.. it has constantly been on his mind.  I know that he has a harder time relaxing during those times. 

So here are the changes I am making..  One of the biggest things is I have never needed 8 hours of sleep before.. I have a feeling winter is playing a huge part in me wanting to sleep more.  I noticed I am also waking up around 4am and then just drifting in and out til I finally get up at 5.  There is an hour wasted.  The two things I am proud of is doing my bible and biking that early.. I want to continue that..

1. Get Annaleah to do more independent work
2. Work on maintaining the house throughout the day during her schooling
3. Close my computer down at 8pm and focus on the family
4. Get Anna to go to sleep on her own again (work on her room this weekend!)
5. Stay up to 10 or 11 depending, with Angel
6. continue to wake at 5am for my bible and biking time.
7. make sure all dishes and room clean up is done after dinner
8. have next day's school lesson ready at the end of school time  

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