Thursday, March 24, 2011

Emotional Ramblings..

I have been hiding alot of my feelings lately.  Someone said something this morning because I mentioned that I am hesitant when sharing certain things on my blog.  She said something that is so true.  This is my blog.  The reason I write is to get out my thoughts and feelings.  I can be pretty negative.  It tends to distance me from others, but if I can’t share these thoughts somewhere.. how will it help me? 

So here it goes. 

Tuesday was a long day.  We spent the entire day at the hospital for my husband’s Transplant Evaluation. I handled it pretty well, til yesterday.

See I am an emotional person.  Always have been.  My mom has always told me I over react.  I worry too much. Tuesday night someone told me I complain too much.

I didn’t think much of it.  I brushed it off.. whatever.

Then yesterday morning things just started piling up in my head.

Tuesday, while Angel was eating lunch.  David started to tell me that Anna weirds him out.  She is strange, and unsociable.  I need to let her hang with the other kids.  Angel said he wants her to ride her bike around the neighborhood.  Explore, etc.  David just kept going with how she should be able to go to the park and how she needs to stop being whiny and how it is not good that she still clings to me at times.

They just went on and on.  I remained calm.  I may have allowed David to go to the store alone at her age.. but she is not David.  Anna will go up to anyone and talk to them.  Especially if they have a dog or cat with them.  She will tell me.. oh but mommy.. she was so nice and pretty.  etc.  She seriously doesn’t believe anything bad could happen to her.  This freaks me out and I feel that I need to be extra watchful.  She is also a bit boy crazy!  I let her play outside but I have to be able to see her when I walk to the window.  She is allowed in the cul-de-sac and rides her bike.

So of course my thoughts are .. am I hurting her.  Am I ruining her life.  Is she unsociable.  Should I put her in school so she has other friends.  If I did put her in school, will I lose her like I did David?

I am not putting Anna in school.. I am not giving her that kind of freedom to roam the neighborhood.  There are things I can do.. but my mind still wanders back to being a failure as a parent.

Mom has been sick.  She has been sleeping alot, not up to playing games, says she wants to watch movies but falls asleep, nothing tastes good, etc.  Her printer isn’t working.  She really wants Angel to come fix it.  We are not sure he would even know what is wrong.  The hard thing is the time it takes to go up there and do that.  We brought her home last night however, we could not stay.  So many things happening.  I always end up feeling bad.  I want her to be happy but I can not control things. 

Angel just got word yesterday that he has to have the colonoscopy done this Friday.  He was going to just go alone.  He can’t do that. They are not going to let him leave.  He isn’t supposed to drive.  So David said he will go with him.  Of course that means another day off David doesn’t get.  He has not seen his son all week.. and won’t til next week now.  Not to mention how Anna is going to get to the nursing home Friday night for her dance, if Angel can’t drive.
This makes me think that things would be so much easier if I wasn’t so afraid of driving.  If I was a driver, it would relieve so much pressure.  However, I don’t know how to control the fears and the visions that come over me when I think of even driving.  It literally scares me to death.

It doesn’t help that we are really broke.  Gas is pricey! It is about 80.00 to fill the van.  Taking mom home, driving Anna to her classes and performances and now drive to Hartford again on Friday and next Thursday is taking it’s toll on us.  Last night Angel found out he needed to get 3 different meds to prepare for the colonoscopy.  Then I messed up big time.  David needed minutes on his phone. I completely forgot that they sometimes automatically take it out from my card.  I went ahead and entered the payment knowing that he would pay me tonight.  After the payment went through I noticed they already pulled a payment, (it didn’t show up a second earlier!)  I called immediately and they fixed it.  However the bank will not show it for 3-5 business days.  Ok, no problem right, 30.00 is in the bank.  We have never in our lifetime had just 30 in there.. but ok.  We can do this. 

I woke this morning and immediately checked the bank.  The monthly bank fee went through!  Now we have 15.00!  Am I freaking out?  Totally! Just a bit. 

There are so many things going on in my mind.  There is the worry about Angel even needing a transplant.  I can’t let myself think that far.  It is terrifying to hear what he will go through.  Then there is wondering if he is going to bleed this time like he did after the last endoscopy?

I feel like there is this huge boulder sitting there on my shoulder.  What is worse is I can’t really talk to anyone.  The friends I have are already overwhelmed with the things going on in their lives.  I can’t make things harder for them.  I know that I can be very negative.  I know that I tend to need to vent alot more than the average person.  However, venting does help me move on.  Keeping it all bottled in doesn’t.  Trying to keep my thoughts and emotions contained causes a huge can of worms to open on my end. 

I want to be the listener.  I enjoy being there for others.  I don’t want to be the needy one. Maybe mom is right and I am supposed to just give it to God and go on my merry way.  I try, but it doesn’t work out so well.  

So yesterday I just broke down.  I just went to my room and started bawling.  Usually I feel better.  I did not. 

Wow!  This is long!  Wonder if I scared anyone away. 

1 comment:

All My Monkeys said...

I feel the same way - I need to vent. It's called Verbal Processing. My hubs doesn't get this and just thinks I complain a lot. We've talked about it, but he forgets. So I totally understand how you feel. I also have the same "fear" with my blog. I don't want to be a complainer on there. I want to say good things. But sometimes I just need to vent, and that seems like as good a place as any, 'cept... I don't. Because of what others have said about my complaining.

You do have a lot on your shoulders, but mostly, your worrying makes it feel so much more. I know I do this too, but I really see my mom do this, and let me tell you, it's the worrying that kills you, not all the stuff. My mom has had a serious decline in health due to all the stress she has and not dealing with it properly. The ONE THING that you CAN control... is you. How you treat yourself. Please, please, take care of yourself. Eating right and getting at least some exercize (walk the dog?) may seem like more work, but if you don't, you feel worse, you dont sleep well, you get tired more easily, more prone to anxiety and depression, or other serious health issues. (Advice I need to take, myself. :D) I'm guessing you don't need more "issues" on your plate. ((hugs))

As for your daughter, you can only let her go as much as she has shown she can be trusted. Sometimes you do need to loosen the reins a bit and give them opportunities to show that, but sometimes you just know they're not ready for it. You know.

Driving. Have you ever sought counseling for this? Not to add more to your worry, but if you hubs gets sick or has to have the transplant, you will need to be able to take care of everyone. Maybe you can start learning to drive now, while stress is less, than waiting until it's all hitting the fan, so to speak, and need to know how NOW. Plus now, you have the "luxury" at being able to learn at your own pace, push yourself only as much as you are comfortable. Think of it as taking charge of your life.

Sometimes we just ARE needy. I have phases in my life like that too. (on the tail end of one, actually) This too shall pass, right? And I'm guessing, if your friends really are friends, if you called them with a need, or just a need to vent, they would want to help if they could. My parents just went thru some major stuff and didn't tell anyone, because of that reason. Their friends were hurt that they didnt tell them. You can put it out there, and if people want to help, they'll offer. If they offer, TAKE THEM UP ON IT! And don't feel bad about doing that. Feel blessed.