Saturday, April 30, 2011

Letter's to Angel - Day 10

I have not written in a while.  Every day is the same.  Every day I go in and they tell me you are doing better but you are not ready to wake up yet.  It doesn't help when I wake up with hope that this will be the day but it isn't. 

I am sleeping at the hotel now.  They are taking care of the bill.  It is ok.  It is a bit further from you.. but this morning I timed it.  took 5 min to get to the lobby and wait for security to bring me to the front of the hospital and another 5 min to get upstairs and to you.  I have even started leaving around 7pm during shift change to go and try to sleep.  I get up at 5 and get ready to see you before the next shift change. 

Every day is the same.  I spend most of my time holding your hand when I am in the room.  When you start to wake just a bit, I try to calm you.  We thing you are confused and scared.  You fling your arms around and your blood pressure goes up.  Then the nurses end up giving you more meds.  One day they told me you nodded when they asked if you were in pain.  You look so uncomfortable with that tube. 

Last time for the first time you acknowledged me in the room.  I was talking to you and I said.. "honey, squeeze my hand if you hear me.  After saying this twice you squeezed.  I was so thrilled I said .. you can hear me??  and you squeezed again.  I had to go as the shift change was happening. so I told you that I would be going to the hotel to sleep and be back in the morning.  You nodded your head.. twice.  I didn't want to leave you at that point.  It gave me hope.  I miss you. 

Pastor Jason and Paula came to see me last Friday.  We sat and talked about you.  They got me laughing and smiling and they prayed for you.  They shared some great stories I can't wait to tell you about. On Sunday, Mike brought mom, dad and Anna.  I shared with you already a bit of that day. Paula and Melodye came on Wednesday.  Mel pulled out a dice game I think you would love.  It was so simple.  and comes in a tin.  On Wednesday Steph took me to Walmart and I bought a few shirts and some stuff for the hotel.  You would be proud of me.. they were not all simple tees.  That has been it for company..  Steph has a hard time coming often.  Abraham says he and Mariah will come tomorrow, (Sunday.) 

The docs have been talking about putting a trache in your throat. The tube that goes down your mouth is very uncomfortable and only meant for short term.  They told me the benefits and one is that you may be able to be awake.  Although I was warned you may be delirious for a day or two.  The tube that you have now can damage your vocal cords along with many other things.  I signed the papers and okayed it.  It is so hard to make these decisions alone.  But I have been hearing from docs and nurses along with Aaron that this is a good option.  The tube is only meant for maybe 2 weeks.  You will have been on the tubes for 12 days on Monday.  That is the day scheduled for the trache. 

Last night Laurie Collins got ahold of me.  She helped me realize that I am not doing a bad thing by putting you first.  She is very shocked and wants to come up here soon. 

I am going in to see you now.  They were repositioning you.  I will write more later.  Honey, I love you! 

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