Thursday, February 27, 2014

Always the one to put on the listening ears...

I have not posted in a really long time.  So many things going on.  There has been something though that has been bugging me for awhile.  I have tried and tried to put it in the back of my head and move on, but it isn't working.

I have been made to feel lately that I am not allowed to share my thoughts, feelings, fears, etc.  It brings others down.  Instead I should find time, money and transportation to see a therapist.  So I have been bottling things instead.  Can't brings people down.  Don't want to do that.  Or it makes people want to fix you.  I don't need to be fixed.  I just need that friend that I can share with.  No guilt, no being told I should not feel that way or that my feelings are wrong.  Just someone to share, then get that nod of encouragement, maybe a hug in real life or virtual, some tears and laughter and then you just feel better.  Apparently that isn't how it's done anymore.. However, I seem to be on the listening end alot.  For many years actually, even if I didn't agree with what a friend may have been feeling or was doing.  I tried to be the friend that listens, encourages and just be there for them.  I can think of countless days helping a friend through bad spots.  Not fixing them, not giving advice but just being that listening ear.

Since trying to bottle things in, I realize something.  I want to eat.  I don't care if it is gluten or dairy.  I also spend alot of time in denial but the eating is the bad part.  I just want to hide away, not talk to anyone..why?  I'm just going to be a burden anyways.  Better off just keeping to myself. Let's go back to those school years with my nose in the textbooks.

This wasn't meant to be a pity post at all.  Just felt the need to vent I guess.  I have friends but they are busy.  There is one friend that I can always count on though.  When I call her, she always says, "Tell me, how are you doing?"  When she says it.. she means it.  She wants it all.  She always understands and encourages, she even knows me so well that she knows when I am not being completely honest.  However, she lives pretty far away.  I talk to her maybe once every 2-3 months.  When we do talk, it's for hours.. literally hours of both of us sharing. When I get off the phone with her, I always feel completely refreshed.  I miss her.

As for the feelings I am bottling up.  I can't share them here at home.  It would terrify a certain person.  My daughter has to go in for ear surgery and she is terrified enough.  They have to cut into her head right behind her ear.  They will be removing a growth and then checking to see if they need to do bone reconstruction.  It will be a long surgery and she will need to stay over night.  She may need to go back in 6 months.  The worse part is.. it may not be a permanent fix.  The same problem could arise in the future and her other ear may have the same issue.  What happening is the canal behind her ear drum is smaller than it should be.  It's creating a suction.  The ear drum is literally being sucked into that canal.  My friend's son had the same surgery for a different reason.  He actually had it about 3 times and each time suffered a more severe hearing loss.

I do realize that it's not the same as what Anna is going through.  However that doesn't mean the fear isn't there in the back of my mind.  The what if's.  Oh I can push them aside and function normally.  I am not depressed to the point of not being able to focus on other things.  I have been joking with Anna all day and laughing.  Angel and I have our usual banters.  Life seems all fine and dandy, except what's bottled up inside.
Oh, and that isn't all of it.  If you remember my husband was having a surgery that the doctors were confident would be a huge success.  He would be out of the hospital in a week.  Well, that was not the case and after being told he was not leaving the operating room alive, or that his body was not going to survive a week without a liver, then spending 3 months in the hospital, thankfully the ending is amazing and miraculous! I am so thankful that God has brought us through that.  I know that God is in control and we are to lean on Him.. but we don't know what the outcome will be.  I know a family that leaned on God through their father/husband's entire transplant and now that are leaning on Him after his passing.  I don't know what God's plan is for Anna.  I pray it is for this surgery to be a complete success, but just because I pray it doesn't mean that is what God's will is.

Of course, I will pray the Lord will keep Anna safe and secure through this.  That He will help us all through our insecurities.  That we will have a peace that only He can give.  I know the above is the extreme.  Yes, my thoughts may go there at times.. not often, don't worry about that.  Just little glimpse here and there.  I am sure we all have fears at certain times in my life.  That doesn't mean there is something wrong with  me.  I hope not!  I am also not paralyzed by these fears where I can't focus.  I still made meals (well not dinner but dance kinda took over), folded and hung laundry, paid bills, helped Anna with Math, you know.. the usual life things.  

As for Anna's surgery, I will keep praying that God gives us peace through this time, especially Anna.  She is pretending it isn't happening for a long time.  She has a pre-surgery appointment with her doc tomorrow and that is what kinda brought this fear to the surface today.  She briefly expressed it and then shoved it back in mind.  I will pray for the doctor's hand as he has to perform this delicate surgery.  Oh, he explained what he had to do and it is very delicate.  He even had to explain to Anna that he has to do his best to not hit her facial nerves.  He told her how he would do that made and sure she knew that he has never messed up yet.  She literally pretended to ignore every word he said at this point and just nodded.  After a quick chat with her she corrected me on it and I knew she did indeed pay attention.

So I end this long post/rant on a positive note, because sharing in any form helps me.  I know that I should definitely blog more and even though I probably lost all my readers a long time ago, I can still feel better because I got my thoughts out of the back of my mind. I have released them somehow instead of keeping them bottled up.  If you have been reading.. I thank you for being my listening ear ( err... eyes).